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Okay you foxy ladies out there, this newspaper staff has noticed that you can’t get a date, and we are here to help. If you follow our five easy steps to success, we can guarantee you that you will be more successful with the things that our society calls boys. But as every good dater knows, before you can claim your prize, you have to catch his eye.
Step 1: Make sure that he sees you by walking by him repeatedly, or standing in front of his locker. He will always see you when you are in his way. And if by this point you haven’t gotten his attention then this will bring you to…
Step 2: commonly referred to as the "loud laugh"… when you and your friends are having a conversation, and you happen to see a glimpse of him across the hall, laugh as loud as you can. He will think you have a great sense of humor and he will also be forced to notice you. Please note; don’t laugh when he isn’t around, you will just look like an idiot.
Step 3: After the initial encounter, you need to keep his interest. Boys have a short attention span and aren’t the smartest creatures on earth so nothing needs to be complicated. Casually walk up to him and say something along the lines of…"what’s for lunch?" even when it is tenth block, he’ll probably never notice. You are now a part of his life, but not a big enough part yet. Its time to strut your stuff, and show him what you’re made of.
Step 4: dress to impress. Church clothes aren’t just for Sundays…pick out your clothes six days in advance…the brighter and more flashy, the better! You need to make that fella’ say, "Good golly, my fancy has been struck!" in laymen terms… "She is hot."
By this point, it’s time to snap the trap. It’s time to push his buttons like a poorly made video game. Now ladies, you may not realize this but the one thing that the guy hates more than anything besides Edward Cullen is when the girl he likes is all over his best friend like fish on chips. Flirt like you have never flirted before with his right hand man. This will be your final and most crucial step. In his jealous rage he will ask you out or drop both of you completely. Through rigorous testing, we have discovered that he will probably ask you out.
Caution: ALL STEPS MUST BE FOLLOWED IN EXACT ORDER. The skipping of any of these steps may result in disastrous consequences such as…cat lady syndrome, lack of prom-date-itis, or eternal loneliness.